17 February 2016

The Two Ways A Man Withdraws... And How To Stop Him From Pulling Away Forever


Pulling away is very common for a man, even in the best of relationships. What matters here is not that the man is pulling away, it's how the woman HANDLES the situation when he does.
Because while you can't generally control why he pulls away, you CAN have full control over how you respond to it.
Think about that for a minute. You have enormous power in your relationship with a man to steer things in a positive direction... even if he's not "cooperating" with you in any given moment.

So Let Me Ask You This...

How do you usually respond when a man pulls away? Do you get upset and react out of fear to the problem he's creating?

Or... are you conscious and aware enough to take a moment to make a different choice... a choice that could reconnect you both right away rather than push back when you feel him pulling away?...
A large part of handling this situation with a man actually involves not DOING very much at all. If you've ever heard of the expression "action in inaction," you'll want to keep it in mind here. The concept is that NOT taking action and giving up control of a situation is sometimes the most powerful action you can take.
Why? Because you're allowing events to unfold naturally and you actually get to learn information you can use to then take the necessary action.
Let me show you what I mean in the context of this all-too-common relationship scenario where a man pulls back.

Non-Action 1: Take A Step Back Yourself

When a man who has been showing a lot of interest in you suddenly pulls back, your immediate reaction is probably to launch into "fix it" mode. You might start to worry, ask him what he's thinking and feeling, and generally try to "fix" the situation.
While this might seem like a sensible, proactive thing to do, it usually ends up leaving you frustrated and can actually create more distance between the two of you.
That's because when one person in any interaction becomes the "convincer," the other person will usually resist. It's human nature, and you probably know it all too well from your experience with men. Instead, the best thing you can do is to take the focus off needing to fix the situation and simply allow the space for him to naturally come forward.

Non-Action 2: Identify How He's Withdrawing

Taking a step back also let's you do something else: It gives you a chance to observe him and if his withdrawing is more a pattern of his own rather than a reaction to something specific in your relationship.
There are two ways a man can withdraw. I call them "annoying withdrawal" and "dysfunctional withdrawal."
Annoying withdrawal is when a man pulls back into himself and his own mind for a few minutes or hours and takes space for himself. Sure, he might shut down his feelings and communication, but he doesn't do this for long. He is also able to come out of it and ultimately communicate and allow space for your feelings once he's out of it.
On the other hand, dysfunctional withdrawal does not allow for your feelings. It usually lasts longer and is more isolating and intense. It repeats frequently in response even to seemingly little stresses or things a man isn't capable of handling emotionally, and it does not ultimately allow for the exchange and communication that a real relationship requires.

The Right Kind Of Action That Brings Him Closer

Once you get the first two steps I shared above, there's a simple way to permanently avoid the kind of withdrawal that makes you feel less appreciated or understood by a man.
Here's something interesting about how men work that you probably never thought of. A man falls more DEEPLY in love with you because of the way you handle the important moments in your relationship - in ways other women can't and don't.


7 February 2016

Things You Should Consider Before Moving In


Creating a successful relationship takes a lot more than believing in Cupid, love, marriage or romance. Instead of blundering blindly through the stages of commitment, you can begin building the solid basis your relationship needs by asking yourself some questions. Here are some to consider before moving in together or making emotional and financial commitments:

1. What is your definition of commitment?
Whether you know it or not, you and your partner are continuously defining your relationship. If you don't know what your relationship means to each of you, you risk repeating past mistakes, getting stuck in uncomfortable roles, or fighting about what a healthy relationship is. Talk about what you mean by words such as relationship, commitment, love, and faithfulness. You'll be amazed by what you learn. 

2. Have you discussed finances?
Next to sex, money is the biggest generator of problems, arguments, and resentment in long-term relationships. Couples tend to assume that money should be pooled, but it usually isn't that easy. A disparity in income can mean struggling about who pays for what, or whose income determines your lifestyle. Different financial habits (one likes to save, the other spends more, or doesn't keep track) can become a source of argument. For many couples, separating the money makes things run smoother; you don't wind up struggling for control. You can split expenses evenly, or work out a percentage share if your incomes are different. Whatever you do, learn to talk about money in a businesslike manner. 

3. What about household responsibilities?
If you're not yet living together, take a tour of each other's homes. Drastically different decorating styles, neatness, and organization levels can become sources of argument, as can housekeeping and chores. If you have different tastes, it may require a lot of creativity and negotiation to decorate a joint home in a way that makes both of you comfortable. Additionally, think hard before moving into your partner's established home. You may have trouble feeling as if you belong in a home that was previously established by your partner, unless you participate together in reorganizing and redecorating it. 

4. How close are you to family or friends? If one of you has a lot of family or friends, and the other does not, or if you both have big families, find out what those relationships mean. Where will you spend holidays? If there are family members who have problems, such as financial stress, addiction or mental illness, how much will that impact your relationship? 

5. How do you handle anger and other emotions?
We all get upset from time to time. If you are usually good at diffusing each other's anger and being supportive through times of grief or pain, your emotional bond will deepen as time goes on. If your tendency is to react to each other and make the situation more volatile and destructive, you need to correct that problem before you live together. 

6. How do you show love to each other? Talking about which actions and words mean love to you may be surprising. Even if it's hard for you to figure out, discussing how you give and receive love will improve your relationship. You will understand what makes each of you feel loved, and how to express your love effectively. 

7. How well did you discuss these very questions?
Asking yourselves these questions are excellent tests of your ability to define and work out problems. Constructive discussion that leads to a mutually satisfactory solution means you know how to solve problems in your relationship. If not, get counseling before going further.