10 March 2019

When is Anger good and when is Anger bad?

Anger is the natural emotion we humans experience in response to a perceived threat, frustration, assault or obstruction to our humanity and who we are.
Anger can basically fall into 2 categories:

- 1. Our native response to not being taken care of properly or our needs being met (which is classed as good or helpful anger) and
- 2. A response of our Ego and which can be anything from frustration to rage in not getting what we want.

And there is a world of a difference between the two. So, when assessing you anger, it is very important to ask yourself honestly, where is this anger coming from?
If you can identify that it is coming from your needs not being met, then the anger serves a healthy function and gives you the emotional lift and strength to rise up and be assertive in the situation in order to get your needs met.
However mostly when anger is considered a problem, it is because it is coming from a place of Ego, where you really just want what you want and don’t like other people or things getting in your way.

For men in general, often they haven’t been encouraged to be aware of their whole set of emotions, and find that anger is their most common and immediate emotion and response to any kind of physical or emotional pain and fear.
Often anger will show up most in a man’s relationship with his partner, and this can develop into violence toward her.
Understandably, over time a partner can become sick of living with fear, intimidation and humiliation, and usually in time, finds the strength to give him an ultimatum “You get fixed or I’ll get out”.

There needs to be a distinction between anger and violence. Anger is an emotion. Violence is what some people might do when they are angry, or even when they are not. Violence can be physical, emotional or spiritual.
For many men their softer emotions of fear and sadness have been covered or not expressed. They have been taught “Be a man. Be strong. Take control of your life – even if you fail. But don’t show your true feelings – especially your pain and fear”. They only have access to their anger. Anger can cover so much of a man’s personal pain.

Anger is not about control. It is most often about loss of control. For most men losing control is painful and fearful. You can feel vulnerable and feel like you’ve failed. Sometimes men fear the consequences of losing control more than just about anything else.
The pain of failure and the fear of losing control drives much of men’s anger.

The good news is that you can solve your anger problem. Not by berating yourself as sick or sinful, but by recognizing yourself as a human being with an emotional life experience as well as a rational one.

The challenge is not really to work against your anger, but to become aware of where it comes from. To take control of your anger and direct what you do with it.


7 December 2016

10 Things You Can Do To Capture a Woman's Heart


 1. Security
Show your woman that she is safe with you.
Show her that she can share her inner self with you and you have the strength to hold her up.

2. Open Book
Share things with her about your daily routine not because she may be insecure and not trust you.
This act creates trust and gives her the security of feeling that you have nothing to hide.
This makes her feel as if you want to share your life with her.

3. One on One Time
Find quality time that is dedicated just for her…

4. Cuddling
Periodically, decline sex.  No matter how bad you want it; refrain and opt for cuddling instead.
Hold her and allow her to feel safe with you with no strings attached.
Although sex is very vital to a relationship, allow her to have that moment of being held in the comfort of your arms.

5. Thinking of You
Pay attention to the things that make her smile.
Send her unsolicited flowers, handwritten cards, gifts…
Schedule a romantic dinner at her favorite restaurant…

6. Public Acknowledgment
Shout outs on social media or other public acknowledgement shows her she is number one in your life and you want the world to know it.
Hold her hand or show affection at group events with your closest friends and family.

7. Great Sex
You can never go wrong with spontaneous hardcore sex.
Switch things up and keep it interesting.
Show her you are only interested in her satisfaction.

8. Get Rid of the Drama
Check your ex girlfriends, stalkers and/or baby mommas.
If that doesn’t work, offer to allow her to do so.
This act shows her you are truly over your past relationship(s) and you are ready to move on.

9. Consistency
Be consistent with your actions.  Do not start something and then abruptly change your routine.
Do not suddenly lose interest in the small things you did to win her heart.

10. Respectful Listener
Attentively listen to her and respect her opinions.


1 August 2016

Mistakes You Shouldn't Make After a Breakup


We all lose someone we love at some point. People come in and come out of our lives from time to time. In some cases, you can say that a break up results in the same feelings as the death of someone you love. The process of grieving the loss of a relationship can be quite similar. Many people don't know how to cope with a break up especially if it is their first relationship. While letting yourself grieve is important, there are some tips that you should know about how to go on after a breakup. If you are wondering how to pull the pieces of your life back together then following are some mistakes you should be sure to avoid:

1 - Contacting your ex all the time. This will only cause your ex to run away and sabotage any chances of you becoming friends after the relationship. Also, it may take longer for you to heal if you maintain contact, since you'll also be exposing yourself to the drama of constantly hearing news about your ex (or their new partner).

2 - Spending more than your means. Lots of people think that buying new stuff will help with the depression. This actually doesn't do anything to help with the grieving process. It only distracts you from what you are truly feeling and drains your bank account.

3 - Eating too much. Although it may make you feel better for a while, food is never the answer to depression. And an expanding waistline will only make you feel worse.

4 - Starting to drink, smoke or take up any vices. These vices only provide temporary relief for yourself. However, these habits could only do worse as they lead to health complications or addictions overtime.


5 - Befriending people who are not supportive. When we lose our self-esteem, we tend to hang around with people who only damage our confidence further. This is the worst way to handle the situation. What you need right now are positive people who can bring back your self confidence.

6 - Seeing someone else. This is the biggest mistake people usually make. You've only broke up last week and you already think you are ready to start something new? You're moving too fast when what you need right now is some time off.

Surviving a break up can be very traumatic. In fact, lots of people don't know how to go on after a break up and find themselves struggling. It may be one of the hardest things you've done in your life. If this is the case, take comfort in the fact that you are not alone. Many have gone through the experience and lived to tell the tale. You might even learn a few things as you allow yourself the time to grieve. Start being happy with yourself again. You know that you can always trust yourself. Don't be too tough on yourself during this time. Give yourself time and you will find healing.

What Deep Rooted Fears Are Keeping You Single?

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It is very difficult to sit with a group of your friends and hear their stories and experiences that are taking place in their relationships - especially if you’re on your own. It will make you look at your life and wonder just how it is that you’re still single while all of your friends your age are married or at least in serious relationships. You start to feel down, depressed, frustrated and wonder if you’ll ever have what they do.
Have you ever thought that this could be something that you’ve brought on yourself? There are actually fears that can keep you single and you may not even know that you have them.
You may be afraid that you will be single forever. This is something that many single people fear whether they admit it or not. It usually happens when you’ve had a few, or more than a few, unpleasant or seriously awful relationships, especially in a row. Somewhere in the back of your mind you’re thinking that you may NEVER have that just right relationship. This can really worry you if it’s later in your life than you thought you’d be single. Men can tell when a woman is desperate and scared to be on her own. Sensing this can change the way a man feels toward you. So, you see, holding onto this fear that you’ll never meet the Mr. Right may very well push him away when he DOES show up. 
Another fear that can keep you single is the fear of losing your man. Most people are on their best behavior when they first meet. However, there are some guys that act creepy right out of the gate by assuming too much about where your relationship is going. They may even start getting possessive and/or controlling. Women that exhibit this same type of behavior with men after only a few dates will scare those men away. So when you start worrying about losing the guy before you ever really connect with him, it can make you act in ways that, while totally uncharacteristic of you, can cause the end of this relationship before it even starts. 
One of the top fears that might keep you single forever is that he will turn out to be just like your ex. This is pretty easy to understand. If your last relationship ended badly, you need to take enough time to get emotionally under control again. When you give it enough time, then your next man will get a fair chance without you comparing him to your ex. Breaking the emotional ties to your past, and the fear associated with it, helps you move away from the past without taking any old problems or patterns into the new relationship you’re trying to get off the ground.
Be very honest about whether or not you have these fears. Only by admitting to them can you start getting rid of them. 

5 Secrets of Why Men Lie to Their Girlfriends

The social dynamics between men and women is just as complicated as the sexual dynamics between men and women. Lies are actually a common aspect of these dynamics with many reasons why this is so. Why do men lie? You'll hear women ask this a lot. The answer is not as big of a surprise as you might think. 

Men and women lie for a number of reasons, but the top five reasons men lie, in no particular order, are:
1. To avoid conflict
2. To spare someone's feelings
3. To keep from getting into trouble
4. To enhance your own status
5. To flatter someone

Of these so called "little white lies" the one that is the most prominent and socially acceptable is the lie we tell to spare someone else's feelings. Often it's difficult to decide if it's worth it to tell the truth when asked your opinion. For instance, if someone asks you "Do I look okay?" you are likely not going to open your mouth and say, "No, you look terrible."  A small little lie to spare that person's feelings is considered morally acceptable. Men lie like this to women because they do not want to hurt a woman's feelings. So while you can complain about men lying, there's a legitimate and positive reason a man can lie.

Also an acceptable secret of why men and women lie is to enhance their own status. Status is something men want in women. Jobs are a perfect example of this. It is more than socially acceptable to kiss up to the boss by claiming to play golf on a regular basis, or pretending to enjoy the same drink and cigar when at a social function. Social lies like this are considered completely acceptable when you're attempting to increase your workplace status.

Most of the time, people don't even realize they're lying. If you're asking yourself why do men and women lie, you'll find that many people don't consider these small and socially acceptable tales lies. However, there are a number of lies that are not socially acceptable and the reasons will vary.


Some people lie because they enjoy the thrill of it. Others lie because they want to hide something from their lover or boss. Having an affair, for example, is a lie that that is not considered socially acceptable and is very unhealthy for all parties involved. Men lie to make themselves look better in the judgment of women.

The reasons why men lie to women are numerous and some, more than others, are definitely overlooked. I hope it answers your question of "why do men lie". Most times it is considered unhealthy to lie because of the destruction in can wreck on relationships. If this is a possible outcome, lying should be avoided if possible.

Top 5 Reasons Independence is Important in Your Relationship

Living in a close relationship with your special someone is invigorating, exciting and fun.
In reality, a healthy relationship is made up of two mentally strong people. They each lead independent lives and have the desire and ability share their lives as well.

These are a few of the reasons why this balance of separateness and togetherness is important:
1. Independence makes the relationship more intellectually stimulating. If each party brings his or her individual interests to the table, they'll have some fascinating and different subjects to talk about with one another.
2. You can depend on your partner for support when you need it. If each partner is independent, each one is comfortable depending on the other when the going gets tough or when life gets hectic. A relationship is, in essence, a partnership. Knowing you can count on the other person is wonderfully supportive.
  • Having confidence that your partner can "be okay" without you while you're at work or otherwise engaged relieves you of having to worry about how your partner will manage in challenging situations.
  • Relationships do have an ebb and flow that requires that one partner lean on the other occasionally.
3. Two independent people in a relationship can mean a more balanced relationship. When you're both independent, the relationship is healthier. Nobody is exclusively relegated to a specific role.
  • When balance isn't present, one partner might take the role of "the strong one" in the relationship while the other partner is consequently "the weak one." Equilibrium in the relationship means no one partner is more or less powerful than the other.
4. Your relationship becomes stronger. When two independent people make a decision to have a relationship, their time with each other is more special and sacred. Even though a sense of independence is important for each partner, being willing to share with the other what you love to do is a great way to spend quality time together.
  • Bringing independence to your relationship promises a deeper, more lasting partnership, since it's built on acceptance of each other as a whole human being.
5. A sense of independence makes you more emotionally secure. This works for and benefits both partners.
  • If a partner is emotionally secure, they're not afraid to show their strength and their softer side at the same time.
  • Each person's sense of independence can help facilitate more openness and honesty in the partnership. No matter what you say or do, you know that your mate will ultimately be okay, since their independence already shows that they're able to take care of themselves.
  • When you come together at the end of the day, maybe one is tired or bored. The other can step in and revive the other or bring some ideas to the table.
  • Neither partner will feel threatened by their mate's autonomy and sense of personal strength and emotional security.
Partners in a relationship will enjoy a much deeper, longer lasting connection when they each have a sense of independence. Bringing up different interests for discussion, feeling like you can depend on the other and having a balanced relationship all stem from both parties having their own sense of autonomy.

21 July 2016

Shy? What to Do When You Run Out of Things to Say


Sometimes in conversation, you’ll run out of things to say. This is especially true if you’re kind of shy or you’re not a very good conversationalist. At certain points, you just won’t know what to say next. But you can overcome this situation quickly enough.
There are a few effective techniques that you can employ in a conversation when you run out of things to say, in order to handle the situation effectively. Here they are. 

1. Think about your day.
There has to be something that happened to you during the day that you can talk about. If it’s early in the morning, then during the day before, or the one before that. And you can talk about it, even if it’s trivial.
So when you run out of things to say, think about your day a bit and see if you find something to share: a short story, something you heard on the news, something you enjoyed doing, almost anything goes. 

2. Know and use your strong topics.
As an exercise, take at some point a few minutes to think about some stuff that constitutes good conversation topics in general and you can talk about. It could be books, movies, travelling, career, music, sports, politics; there is a wide range of potentially good topics.
Pick the ones that fit you best and create your own short list of conversation topics. Then when you’re chatting with someone and don’t know what to say next, think about this shortlist, pick a topic from it and continue the conversation on that topic.

3. Let the other person speak.
You don’t have to necessarily continue a conversation when it comes to a stop. Very often, if you just wait a bit and say nothing, you’ll notice that the other person will say something and thus move the conversation forward.
So sometimes when you run out of things to say, it’s a good idea to not try to say something else yourself. Instead, let the other person have the floor and continue the conversation. And usually they’ll do it. 
4. Dare to speak.
Many times if seems that you ran out of things to say, but you haven’t. You have things to say, but you won’t allow yourself to say them because you think they’re not good enough. So you keep searching for something better to say.
In my experience as a coach helping others improve their social skills, this perception is typically wrong. What you have to say is worth saying. So the best thing you can do is to speak your mind. Be bold and say what you have to say.
Apply the advice I gave you and your conversations will visibly improve. There is a long way that your discussions can go and plenty of opportunities to learn how to take them there.

1 July 2016

Overcoming Your Break Up when Your Boyfriend is Dating Once More


It is never easy to overcome a break up. Interestingly, one of the things that can help you out is to begin dating once more. Of course, it is not easy to muster the courage to start going out for a date after your break up. The intimacy you shared with your ex, and the duration of your relationship, will make the break up even more difficult to endure. In such a case, you will find it very odd to go out on a date with someone new. Yet dating is one of the things that can lift you out of the gloom of a break up.

It may be even more challenging in case your ex boyfriend is already dating once more. However, you should understand that it is by dating that you will get his attention even at such a stage. Your ex boyfriend may be going out on a date while there are at least some residues of love towards you. When he realizes that you are seeing another guy, the stinging arrows of jealousy will hit him. Then he may begin to reconsider his decision.

Dating after a break-up, and when your ex is already up and about, will undoubtedly be difficult. However, there are some things that will help you out.

Speed dating
Although speed dating is still a relatively new phenomenon, it is becoming popular fairly fast. Basically, speed dating involves meeting several single people who are looking for relationships, and spending brief moments with each potential date. This offers a number of advantages.

You will largely be able to maintain your privacy, as speed dating is relatively anonymous. Safety is also enhanced given the controlled environment in which you will meet. In addition, you will be able to meet several people who have similar interests.

Online dating
This is another very popular mode of dating nowadays. It gives you the opportunity to meet numerous people with whom you share similar interests. Some online dating sites even offer some kinds of match-making services, where you will fill a questionnaire and then receive an update of potential dates who match your requirements.   Online dating has been trusted over time, and some very great relationships started in this way.

Match-maker services

During the earlier times, matchmakers were highly respected. Although the practice became outdated for some time, its value has been appreciated in the recent past and it is coming back in vogue once more. There are match-making services that will get you in touch with potential dates that you would have not met otherwise.

This is an option that you should consider only when you are serious about finding someone new to start a serious relationship with. Keep off it in case you still expect to get back with your ex.


10 June 2016

5 Rules to Make Great First Dates


Below are five first date rules. These rules can probably be modified and applied in your life generally for being very likable and attractive on dates or anywhere else. These are easy tweaks that should make dating easier, and more fun, no matter what the outcome.

1. Ease up on the expectations by playing a different game. Ask yourself a question. Why are you on the market and dating right now? Is it because you’re lonely. Is it because your clock is ticking and you’re husband shopping? Is it because you feel like you “should” be in a relationship?
The answer to that question should be, “I’m dating because I really dig men and I’m having a blast.” Setting the intention to date for fun, allows you to be in the present moment with a guy and enjoy his company without worrying about what will or won’t happen next. Dating is always a numbers game. Most people date many, many people before finding “the one”. So, you may as well set your compass for fun and enjoy the process. Dating for dating sake needs to be enjoyable. If you can’t dial in on dating as a good time, you probably need to take a break for awhile.

2. Talk less, listen more. A first date is not a job interview. You shouldn’t be selling yourself or any of your great qualities on your first date. I’m sure you think you aren’t doing that. However, it can come off that way unconsciously very easily. So, make it a point to ask a lot of questions, and do a lot more listening than you do talking.

3. Avoid interviewing your date. While your job is to ask more questions and listen more, avoid asking the kind of questions that might make a person feel like they are being interviewed. We all know the hot button questions to avoid on a first date, and yet I’m amazed how often first date conversation drifts to marriage, kids, and ex’s anyway. Don’t do it. Keep the conversation, engaging. It’s not an inquisition.

4. Be the kind of woman a man can picture taking home to mom. Basically, be classy, not sexy on a first date. I know all of this might sound super obvious, but when you’re nervous, it’s easy to let some obvious things slip. Be appropriate. Use your best manners. Keep your drinking to a minimum. Watch your language. Behave in a way that leaves you free and clear of any cringe worthy moments you might regret.

5. Be your own good time. Don’t outsource your feel good. Don’t depend on your date or anyone else to show you a nice evening. You decide how you want to feel, and bring that to the date rather than waiting for someone else to deliver it. No one can actually make you feel confident, appreciated, or excited. So, if you want those things, bring them yourself. A woman who brings her own good time is very pleasant to be around. An easy smile is the best cosmetic.


27 April 2016

Are You Aware that You May Be Sabotaging Your Relationships?


We all want to think we know ourselves well enough. That we know who we are, what kind of a relationship we want to have and how to behave with our partner.
In all likelihood you are no exception.
Yet there might be some things about yourself that you DON’T know. Unfortunately, these “things” might cause you to sabotage your relationships time and again – without you knowing that you do.
You might disagree with this assertion. It might be painful to think that you are NOT totally aware of the ways your attitudes, reactions and behaviors drive you to sabotage your relationships (or inability to enter one).
Thinking it over with honesty might help you realize how much aware you are and how much control you have over them:
* Do you feel you can control, change and choose your attitudes, reactions and behaviors, or do find yourself “controlled” by them?
* Do you feel you make CONSCIOUS DECISIONS about how to behave with your partners, or do you find yourself operating on the basis of AUTOMATIC PATTERNS which repeat themselves throughout all your relationships?
* Is it possible that you interact with your partners in ways that HARM the relationship (that you either don’t see or don’t think you can change)?
* Is it possible that you are NOT AWARE at all that you harm your relationships? That whenever conflicts arise between you and your partners you blame them, not willing to take responsibility for your part in the problems (or the eventual break-up of the relationship)?


It shouldn’t surprise you that you might NOT be aware of the above (maybe even deny and reject it). Self-Awareness is not something you have been taught at home or in school.
But if you find yourself experiencing ongoing difficulties and failures in your relationships (or in your ability to enter one), and are willing to contemplate the possibility that there might be things about yourself you DON’T know and that you might be SABOTAGING your relationships -
The best you can do for yourself is to take the necessary steps to BECOME AWARE: to get to know and understand yourself better; to realize that there might be factors you were UNAWARE OF UNTIL NOW (such as: your needs and fears, belief-system, unrealistic expectations and fantasies) which controlled your attitudes, reactions and behaviors and drove you to harm your relationships.
Becoming aware empowers you to make the necessary changes and cultivate a successful relationship.