Anger is the natural emotion we humans experience in response to a perceived threat, frustration, assault or obstruction to our humanity and who we are.
Anger can basically fall into 2 categories:
- 1. Our native response to not being taken care of properly or our
needs being met (which is classed as good or helpful anger) and
- 2. A response of our Ego and which can be anything from frustration to rage in not getting what we want.
And there is a world of a difference between the two. So, when
assessing you anger, it is very important to ask yourself honestly,
where is this anger coming from?
If you can identify that it is coming from your needs not being met,
then the anger serves a healthy function and gives you the emotional
lift and strength to rise up and be assertive in the situation in order to get your needs met.
However mostly when anger is considered a problem, it is because it
is coming from a place of Ego, where you really just want what you want
and don’t like other people or things getting in your way.
For men in general, often they haven’t been encouraged to be aware of
their whole set of emotions, and find that anger is their most common
and immediate emotion and response to any kind of physical or emotional
pain and fear.
Often anger will show up most in a man’s relationship with his partner, and this can develop into violence toward her.
Understandably, over time a partner can become sick of living with fear,
intimidation and humiliation, and usually in time, finds the strength
to give him an ultimatum “You get fixed or I’ll get out”.
There needs to be a distinction between anger and violence. Anger is
an emotion. Violence is what some people might do when they are angry,
or even when they are not. Violence can be physical, emotional or
For many men their softer emotions of fear and sadness have been
covered or not expressed. They have been taught “Be a man. Be strong.
Take control of your life – even if you fail. But don’t show your true
feelings – especially your pain and fear”. They only have access to
their anger. Anger can cover so much of a man’s personal pain.
Anger is not about control. It is most often about loss of control.
For most men losing control is painful and fearful. You can feel
vulnerable and feel like you’ve failed. Sometimes men fear the
consequences of losing control more than just about anything else.
The pain of failure and the fear of losing control drives much of men’s anger.
The good news is that you can solve your anger problem. Not by
berating yourself as sick or sinful, but by recognizing yourself as a
human being with an emotional life experience as well as a rational one.
The challenge is not really to work against your anger, but to become
aware of where it comes from. To take control of your anger and direct
what you do with it.
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